what do we mean by 'comparisonitis'?
It might not be a word in the dictionary (yet!), but you probably get the gist: comparisonitis is the tendency to frequently compare yourself to others, and more often than not, in an unfavourable way. Given how unhelpful this already sounds, the best thing I can say about making comparisons is probably as simple as just ‘don’t do it!’, but that’s not really very helpful, and it would be a very short blog!
why we compare ourselves and why it is unhelpful
Making comparisons is something we all probably do, quite a lot in fact. It is human nature to consider ‘how we are doing’ and therefore some kind of measure we can use to assess this is helpful in this context. Think back to school, primary even – tests, assessment, grading. And in secondary school, GCSEs and A-levels (or equivalent). A measure of ‘how we are doing’ in our learning has become ingrained early on. Our human curiosity has expanded this measure to include ‘how well am I doing compared to my peers / others’. Is it here that things start to become messy and counter-productive?
I write this in 2022, and the ability to make comparisons with others has never been made easier, thanks in significant part to social media. How easy it is to scroll through your platform of choice (and there are plenty to choose from), and see people sharing their exotic holidays, exciting plans, a promotion to a more senior role, etc. Such posts can fuel our tendency to compare and make unhelpful reflections such as ‘this person is successful / wealthy / living a great life... why aren’t I?’ But we do need to remind ourselves that this is not the full reality of this person’s life, and quite frankly no one has an amazing life all the time. We choose what we share on social media, and it is the projection of what we want people to see, hear and think about us. And we all probably do it – share the photos of a clear blue sky from on holiday, not the photos in which we have a double-chin!
Just a note whilst we are here on social media, I’m not bashing it or saying don’t look at it or that we shouldn’t share or celebrate the positive aspects of our lives. But just consider viewing it with a healthy degree of realism too, otherwise any comparison you might be tempted to make would be skewed in any event. You might have also noticed the growing number of ‘anti-ideal life’ posts, the ones where people share stories of an outing or interview or some kind of exchange that all went a bit wrong. And these are refreshing too, because these are also real life together with the nice holidays etc.
Even without social media, we can make hypothetical comparisons to perceived ideals, such as ‘now I’m xx (years old), I really should: have bought my own home / have an established career / have had 2.4 children’ (insert your own choice!). The key word here is ‘should’. As a coach, I would ask you ‘should – according to whom?’ And if the desired outcome is one that you genuinely want, does there have to be a fixed timescale as to when you achieve that outcome by? We may well have a view that others have done things ahead of us, but their circumstances are different to our own, making a comparison here fruitless. And the chances are you have done something in your life that others are yet to do as well. Life isn’t a race we get to win at, and you only get to live your life, not anyone else’s. And if you still find yourself drawn to comparisons, try to make it this one, courtesy of Jordan Peterson, ‘compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today’.
I’d love to know what you think about comparisonitis too, so please do get in touch! kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com
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