The decision isn't the real problem

We can all probably relate to feeling stuck over a life decision we’ve had to make in the past. Perhaps you are debating one right now!  

Why can't I make a decision?!

What’s interesting though is what is creating the feeling of being unable to choose.

We think it is a decision problem, but actually, very often, it isn’t.

As a coach, decisions come up frequently with my clients (which you’d expect, we have to make many as we navigate our way through life after all, some mundane with very little by way of consequences, but others with a lot more at stake – and it’s these we are focusing on here).

So what’s going on? At first glance, it sounds simple:  we are considering a choice between two or more options, e.g.

❓Should I apply for xx role / promotion?

❓Should I move?

❓Should I change career?

❓Should I stay put?

This is where it gets interesting: when we discuss the decision, the real struggle usually isn’t the choice itself.

What’s actually happening beneath the surface

Inevitably we discuss the options themselves. But, actually these are the factors that are often causing the delay and indecision:-

• not trusting themselves to choose  (‘What if I’m not the kind of person who can handle this?’)

  
  

• fear of getting it wrong  (‘I think I can live with change, but can I live with regret?’)

  
  

• concerns about what other people will think  (‘Others are unlikely to understand this choice and think badly / differently of me, which I don’t want or like’)

  
  

• the feeling that they should just be able to work it out / predict the future! (‘I wish I could be sure that it will work out as I want it to’) This one is of course understandable, but all the willpower in the world cannot make this one become a reality!

  
  

If it were just about facts, then producing a pros-and-cons lists would work every time we face a decision.

These bigger life decisions, even smaller ones, tend to involve more complicated facets of being human: identity, risk, relationships, and the unknown future. All this means that using logic alone rarely settles a decision for us.

For all these reasons, this is why we can find ourselves staying with indecision, not because we’re incapable, but because uncertainty feels safer than regret.

Why staying stuck can feel like the safest option

Indecision is often self-protection (but it’s unfortunately misguided).

When we don’t choose, we don’t risk loss. We don’t risk judgement. We don’t risk finding out we misjudged things. We don’t disappoint others.

But there is a cost, even if it seems quieter at first: ongoing frustration, low-level anxiety that may increase, and the feeling of being in limbo. And sometimes not choosing also leads to a loss (of opportunity), judgement (for not going for it), wondering if we misjudged the decision by not trying something… argh!

What can we do about this? Some decisions do just feel hard. Well, it’s possible that this might be a factor…

You might actually be choosing between versions of yourself

Life continues to tick along (like it or not!) and sometimes our old ‘certainties’ don’t fit quite the same anymore with what our current life chapter looks like.

Say the decision is related to work / career. Often the decision isn’t just  ‘job A’ or ‘job B’. It’s:

• the person you’ve been

• and the person you might be becoming (at this stage of your life)

What helps more than pushing yourself to ‘just decide!’

In my experience, what helps to move clients forward with a decision isn’t pressure to just make a decision and live with it. That rarely feels good, even if there can be some temporary relief from just having made a choice. But a decision that comes from:

• understanding what matters to you now

• separating fear from intuition

• accepting that certainty isn’t available

• building enough self-trust to choose anyway

… You can already tell that is going to feel better, right?!

If you’re navigating but struggling to make a decision at the moment, don’t panic.

It’s an entirely normal human experience. It is very possible that you are in a moment of transition where your old certainties no longer fit,  and your new ones are still forming.

This is thoughtful work on what it is to be imperfectly human, doing your best! And you don’t have to do it alone. As a non-directive and impartial coach, helping you work out what is best for you is my thing!

If you’d like to have a chat about coaching options that may be suitable for you (I even have a 90-min ‘break-the-stalemate’ single focus session to help you get a decision moving, as well as longer term coaching partnerships), then please get in touch: kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com.

Not feeling ready for that just yet? Sign up for my weekly(ish!) newsletter here; it’s these kinds of topics I love to discuss and share any tips or insights about.