Ah, this is a big question! So how do you even begin to answer it, especially at this time of year when the age-old question of ‘what are your new year’s resolutions then?’ pops up – or a more recent addition – ‘what’s your word for this year?’!
Working out what you want isn't an end-game question
First of all, don’t panic. You don’t need to have all the answers (or components of this answer) at once.
Thinking of an ‘end game’ outcome or result can feel like an insurmountable or overwhelming challenge.
It could feel like the physical equivalent of deciding you want to run a marathon, and setting off there and then in whatever footwear is on your feet, with your phone in hand to track those miles until you reach the magic 26.2. If that was me, I can guarantee there would be an epic shortage in that magic number before I fell in an exhausted heap, wishing I had some water, hungry, cursing my stupid shoes and nursing a knobbled knee (or other body part)! You get the idea, my end game had become my ‘now’ game, which was unrealistic and destined to fall short of the mark.
Trying to answer a question like ‘what do I want in life?’ can be misinterpreted as some kind of big end-game type question. But it doesn’t have to be. There are no rules - you get to decide how to answer it! So I would encourage you not to baulk at such a question – because ultimately it is a very worthy and valid one to give some thought to!
How do I work out what I want in life?
Here are some tips and ways in which to start thinking about such a question and how you might answer it:
· Reflect on what has been. This can be a good place to start as you’re not yet trying to create something, you are examining what has already happened. What went well for you last year, personally and professionally? What gave you joy last year? What did you feel was missing?
(If these still feel like too big a question to answer, break it down in to areas of your choice, some examples could be: wellbeing / health, family, relationships, financial, career, home life). Choose things that matter to you, e.g. travel, fitness etc.
· Know what you don’t want! This is just as valuable as knowing what you do want, especially if answering the ‘do want’ part still feels a bit tricky. Time really is precious, and finite, unfortunately we can’t alter that. But how the time we are fortunate enough to have passes is in your hands (to a degree at least, of course we have responsibilities which take up our time too).
Perhaps there are things that have happened or you have noticed in the previous year that you could let go of, that no longer serve you or are a distraction from time that could be better used elsewhere.
· Don’t pretend something matters to you when really it doesn’t. Your brain is unlikely to fall for it longer term! This could be something that we think should matter to us (e.g. a societal or cultural value), or it is something that matters to those around us rather than to us personally.
It’s not with ill-will that these ‘should matters’ come into our thinking, but if it’s not genuinely what we want for ourselves, it isn’t truly part of your answer to the question ‘what do I want in life?’ They can muddy the waters and send us on a tangent we don’t really want!
· Tune in to what is important to you. If new year’s resolutions aren’t your bag (and don’t worry, they don’t have to be!), do you have at least an over-riding sense of what is important to you? Hopefully reflecting on what has been, and knowing what you don’t want will help you to answer this.
This matters because, a bit like with new year’s resolutions, if we just delve straight into action without considering the ‘why’, our new habit is very unlikely to last. Our perceptions, thinking and behaviour are all linked, if we focus on only one (e.g. behaviour, the visible bit), it’s like one cog turning without the other two playing ball. It’s very likely to breakdown at some point!
· Finally, allow yourself some flexibility! What you decide isn’t set in stone and can evolve over time. What we are aiming for is a direction to take that feels right, and we can adjust as we go (hence the end game is not what we set out for from the off!). Life doesn’t pan out as a ‘ah, you’ve reached xxx, game over!’ after all.
But if we have no direction in which to even aim, we are unlikely to work towards achieving what we want in life.
Help working out what you want in life!
If this all makes sense, but you are struggling to organise your thoughts, or know where to start making changes to get you on your way – and I include our own thinking being something that gets in our way – then please do get in touch. Another way is possible and you can work towards a life you want, without guilt or fear holding you back! Kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com
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