The guilt we carry...

(that maybe we needn't)

Guilt is one of those complicated emotions that plagues a lot of us. If our emotions are about a human response to something (e.g. I see a threat and I feel fear; I hear about an injustice and I feel anger), what is guilt all about?

Why we feel guilty

Guilt is about our own behaviour and what we have done (or not done!), which can sometimes be helpful. We see we have upset someone from the way we spoke to them and we realise we could have handled it differently. But of course it can get far more nuanced and complex than that when we put unreasonable expectations on the standards we ‘should’ live up to and just what we can manage without starting to crumble (and perhaps snap at someone that could have been the example above!)

One of my lovely current clients has a very time-demanding job. Her diary is often packed full with minimal 'white space' and, on some days, she's triple-booked with some meetings. She has no choice but to say no to two of those meetings. Now she’s about to take two weeks off, something that she needs and deserves… but she’s feeling guilty about all the work that is being left behind, and already dreading what she’ll come back to. And she’s not even gone yet! It’s like guilt in advance. I imagine that is something many of us can relate to: we are about to act in a way that will impact others, and even ourselves in future, and we feel guilty about it. But is this guilt we carry that maybe we needn’t? I think so. (Even if I’m working on how we avoid carrying it in the first place).

What is guilt telling us?

Guilt may be a useful indicator that we have acted in a way that goes against our values. If I’ve acted unkindly towards someone, it’s inevitable the guilt will land on me pretty quickly because kindness is one of my core values. But guilt pops up more often than this I feel! It appears to be an emotional price we pay for having needs we are trying to fulfil, boundaries we don’t want to cross and desires to live our own lives a certain way and even put ourselves first from time to time. Like my client above, her guilt is about the predicted consequences of her having a break. But is having a break wrong or selfish?

This is where it gets messy. Generally speaking, we don’t want to hurt people, break our promises or act against our values. The guilt we are likely to then feel may prompt us to take responsibility and try to put things right. Using my client’s example above, I believe her guilt isn’t arising from ‘doing something wrong’ but from the unintended consequences of work being left for others to pick up in her absence and the feeling of overwhelm of her workload she is anticipating on her return. Sometimes we are the colleague left behind trying to cover for the person on holiday, doing our best, but maybe not getting to manage everything. In this type of scenario, when guilt arises in this sneakier way, I like to ask the question ‘What’s the alternative?’. Does it mean not having a break?  What will be the likely consequences of this and impact on you?

Guilt isn't always evidence that we've done something wrong. Sometimes it is simply the feeling we experience when we do something that makes us uncomfortable, disappoints someone else or goes against an expectation we've placed on ourselves. Sometimes we even feel guilty about things that haven't happened yet:  things we may not get done, how someone else may feel, what might happen if we aren’t there to oversee it etc. We can end up experiencing the emotional consequences of an imagined future before we've even reached it.

It’s not to say that our imagined consequences are inaccurate, but are they unavoidable or for us to carry the burden of? Maybe not. The guilt of the consequences of a 2-week holiday might be saying something about the pressure she is under, her sense of responsibility and perhaps her expectations of herself. It isn't necessarily telling her that she shouldn't go.

When ‘tricky’ guilt appears

Just like the example of time off, guilt can also make an unwelcome appearance when we:

• say no

• prioritise ourselves

• want something different

• leave a job

• change direction

• disappoint someone

• don't meet our own impossibly high standards

• rest when there is still work to do

Maybe guilt has become the emotional price we've come to expect for putting ourselves anywhere other than last.

‘Don’t feel guilty!’

Well this is not especially helpful advice is it, as much as I want to say it (and be able to believe it myself!). Everything I’ve said so far can logically explain why on some occasions the guilt may be warranted, but in many cases it isn’t, but it doesn’t mean it is any easier to handle does it?!

So what can we do? Examine the guilt. Rather than just acknowledge ‘ I am feeling guilty’ and trying to counter it with ‘don’t’, how about ‘I feel guilty because I am xxx (action / behaviour) and xxx (consequence I feel bad about)’. This gives us something to focus on. Then consider ‘am I doing / have I done something wrong?’, then ‘What expectation am I not meeting?’ and then considering if that expectation is realistic. Then is it something you feel the need to put right. Finally you could consider what would you say to someone in exactly the same situation you are in?

Let’s follow this trail with an example of leaving a job. You are feeling guilty for leaving something secure and stable and for disappointing your colleagues who value you.

Are you doing something wrong? No. You want to pursue a new passion or have seen an exciting opportunity.

What expectation are you not meeting? That you should be grateful for the role and colleagues that you already have.

Is that expectation realistic? Maybe, but maybe not. Perhaps you have been, and even are grateful for those things. But does that mean you must always be so and pass up other chances to have a fulfilling role? No.

Do you need to put it right? Your colleagues may be disappointed that you are leaving, but what about your own disappointment for staying and not giving yourself a chance of something you wanted?

What would you say to a friend? We might go through the pros and cons, but chances are we are most interested in what serves out friend well rather than others potentially impacted by their decision.

Hopefully all those steps will help mitigate some of the guilt we may feel, even if we can’t eradicate it or prevent it appearing in the first place!

Seasonal guilt!

I’m writing this at the start of the UK summer holidays – a time when guilt seems to have many opportunities to show up: taking holiday, not taking holiday, work piling up, not making the most of time with children, spending money, wanting time alone, not enjoying every minute, needing a break from your family, having a break without your family …

There are plenty of expectations about how we're supposed to spend our time, who we're supposed to prioritise and how much enjoyment we're supposed to be having.

And, of course, feeling guilty about not enjoying your summer properly is always available as an added extra!

Coaching support for guilt

If I was to say ‘you've nothing to feel guilty about’, I imagine it’s as helpful as a chocolate teapot.  Emotions aren't like switches we can just turn off.  But we can get curious about what they're telling us, question whether the story / information behind them are actually true, and decide what we want to do with that information.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to make a change. Sometimes it's to have a difficult conversation. Sometimes it's to accept that someone might be disappointed.

And sometimes it's to go on holiday, close the laptop and remind yourself that you're allowed to have a life outside your responsibilities. I think I may do that this summer even though I am not going anywhere!

If you're carrying guilt about something you've done, something you haven't done, or something you're only imagining might happen, perhaps it's worth asking yourself whether you have actually done anything wrong, and if it can be avoided without detriment to you. If this is something you’d like support with, please get in touch: kathryn@kbmindfulcoaching.com